30, not so flirty, and coming to terms with my version of thriving

I turned 30 a couple weeks ago. It has been a tough one for me. It’s not necessarily the age… the number itself… but where I am in life at 30. I played the comparison game with other people my age, even people younger than me. They have families and stable jobs with livable incomes. They’ve purchased homes, many even upgrading to larger homes, and are having more children. I was comparing myself to what I thought my life should be. I started to beat myself up (a favorite past time of mine) about where I am and what I don’t have. My inner critic has always been the most vocal member of my subconscious. She’s well versed in running around with a rolled up newspaper, thwapping all other parts of my subconscious on the head for not helping steer me in the ‘right’ direction.

Here is what I have to remember… this is where I am in life, and that’s okay. It’s not where I’m supposed to be, it’s just where I happen to be. For me saying, “this is where I’m supposed to be,” doesn’t work. It feels like a surrender. It’s uninspiring and makes me feel like I have to sit and wait for the next thing to happen rather than take action myself. “Welp, this is it…” followed by a nonchalant shoulder shrug. In my mind, it’s an excuse for not having what I want or being where I want. It’s better for me to simply say, “this is where I am and that’s okay.” There are no expectations or excuses for why I’m here. I’m just here. The trajectory of my life is up to me and no one else. There are absolutely things I wish I had, places I wish I’d been, and decisions I regret, but that’s normal. It’s important to not dwell on those things or let them hold me back.

The silliest thing? I worry that I’ve disappointed my school teachers. As if they keep tabs on all of their students and judge where they’ve ended up. As if they had big hopes and dreams for me and they’ve watched me fail. I’ve fixated on how other people perceive my life and accomplishments instead of making sure I’m happy with what I’ve achieved. As it turns out, I like my life. I have a job that allows me to work with plants. I live close to majority of my family and am able to see them as often as I want. I can hug my mom every day. I get to be the best aunt to my niece. I live minutes from the mountains that feed my soul. I have a significant other and friends that understand and support me. In my 30 years, I’ve become the most comfortable I ever have been with myself. I don’t have a house, a bachelor’s degree, or expendable income… but I do have slow paced life full of people I love and things that make me happy.

I’m 30. Here’s to that.